turning 2! – as a therapist

 

my second year as a therapist can be summarised in one word – disillusionment – about the systems in which therapy was born and the systems that continue to govern it. it turns out that therapy has more limitations than scope.

most people who seek therapy are actually in need of other things – liberation, justice, community, better pay, better work environments and policies, rest! i see the cruelty in teaching someone how to deal with stress and how to sleep better when they work 12-hour days and 6-day weeks.

until very recently, this was dispiriting and gave me an existential crisis. but i am slowly seeing value in accepting the fact that therapy is the answer to only a handful of problems. it makes space for other things i can do to be of use to this world. it is freeing to know that, and self-unimportant, which i quite like. i don't know what to do with this knowledge yet; it is a developing story and i will stick around to find out where it goes.

some very reassuring things have also happened, of course (thank god). clients have come back after disappearing without notice, they have come back because they promised they would, and they have come back many months after semi-terminating the process, too. clients have also started telling me, even if with hesitation, that i annoy them sometimes. and i am filled with glee every single time they do. clients have referred their friends to me after seeing me only twice – something i have a hard time believing. they have called me out when i was impatient, restless, inaccurate in my interpretation or inadequate in my explanation. they have made it a point to pay me more as soon as they got a raise or a job. all of this has been incredibly heartening.

given the two contrasting experiences, it is not a surprise that i am feeling an intense, general lack of direction right now. a big part of me wants to find a way immediately. a small part is being absurdly patient, trusting the process. i flit between them.