This or that?
There's the Real Self, and then there's an Ideal Self. For everyone.
The problem is, I have too many versions of the former.
I don't want to care about what others think of my appearance. Then I want to be the perfectly dressed girl, with matching earrings. I want to tie my hair up so it's out of my way. I also want to let it down because it looks good. I want to have different footwear for different types of clothes. But floaters are so comfortable!
I want to be nice to people. I also want to be badass. Then I want to be nice again.
I want to (already do) have a beautiful handwriting. I don't want to judge people based on their handwriting - good or bad.
I want to read every book, journal, article there is on something I like. I want to know everything about something that I claim to love. But I'm content otherwise, too. I want to be passionate about something, anything. There's no problem with not being passionate, either, though?
I want to be a people-person. But, "get away from me, everyone", too.
I want to know the lyrics to every song on my phone. I want to be able to recognise every raag I hear. I want to be able to appreciate all kinds of music. Wait, metal? Oh God NO.
I want people to like me. What, you don't like me? The feeling's mutual, k.
I want to be Cristina Yang, or Hermione Granger. But there are more important things in life, like friendship, and bravery. (Up top, Potterheads!)
I want to stand up for something I believe in, even if it offends the other person. But I don't want to, because, to each, his own, right?
I want to be a good girl and listen to my mom; but hey rebel looks awesome, let's be one!
Should I have a laid back attitude about thing 'x'? Should I be more focused? No, I should cut myself some slack. Really, Gargi? Get on with the thing already, aur kitna drama karegi? Hey hey, what drama? I deserve a break. Break from what? From all the exhausting sitting around watching Grey's Anatomy all day? But you need 'x'! Look here, Ideal Self, do you want me to go easy on myself or push me harder? FUCKING DECIDE.
Oh, I decide my Ideal Self. Goddamnit. What now?
How do we know? How do we choose? How do we change?
Sigh.
The problem is, I have too many versions of the former.
I don't want to care about what others think of my appearance. Then I want to be the perfectly dressed girl, with matching earrings. I want to tie my hair up so it's out of my way. I also want to let it down because it looks good. I want to have different footwear for different types of clothes. But floaters are so comfortable!
I want to be nice to people. I also want to be badass. Then I want to be nice again.
I want to (already do) have a beautiful handwriting. I don't want to judge people based on their handwriting - good or bad.
I want to read every book, journal, article there is on something I like. I want to know everything about something that I claim to love. But I'm content otherwise, too. I want to be passionate about something, anything. There's no problem with not being passionate, either, though?
I want to be a people-person. But, "get away from me, everyone", too.
I want to know the lyrics to every song on my phone. I want to be able to recognise every raag I hear. I want to be able to appreciate all kinds of music. Wait, metal? Oh God NO.
I want people to like me. What, you don't like me? The feeling's mutual, k.
I want to be Cristina Yang, or Hermione Granger. But there are more important things in life, like friendship, and bravery. (Up top, Potterheads!)
I want to stand up for something I believe in, even if it offends the other person. But I don't want to, because, to each, his own, right?
I want to be a good girl and listen to my mom; but hey rebel looks awesome, let's be one!
Should I have a laid back attitude about thing 'x'? Should I be more focused? No, I should cut myself some slack. Really, Gargi? Get on with the thing already, aur kitna drama karegi? Hey hey, what drama? I deserve a break. Break from what? From all the exhausting sitting around watching Grey's Anatomy all day? But you need 'x'! Look here, Ideal Self, do you want me to go easy on myself or push me harder? FUCKING DECIDE.
Oh, I decide my Ideal Self. Goddamnit. What now?
How do we know? How do we choose? How do we change?
Sigh.
Love the writing style, it conveys the feelings behind the words very well. Love the content because hey! that is so me. And who said you can't be a polite rebel. Aren't you rebelling against the stereotype around the word 'Rebel' by being a polite Rebel. :D
ReplyDeleteAlways love your responses, Digi. Thanks very much!
DeleteFabulous piece. :)
DeleteSoniaaa, thank you!
DeleteThis is so relatable.
ReplyDelete"I decide my Ideal self" That had me cracking up! xD
Love,
Saee
Happy to know! :)
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